So, I’m in the midst of a changing time, deep within myself. There have been moments of great insight, of divine peace, of deep connection, of absolute presence. And I have felt blissful in these times.
And now I find myself moving into a time rather different from that. I am still connected, still finding myself amidst deep inner transition – yet in these moments I find myself pretty frustrated, irritable, preoccupied, and yearning for space, and for adult company. These three beautiful souls who I carry through every day, every night; instead of spending time with them crafting, walking, laughing, baking, singing, much of which has been a part of my mother journey with them and is definitely part of my ideal picture of how I should / desire to be – I spend time instead desiring space from them, loving the (short) times they play beautifully together away from me, resenting those times they wind each other up, those times they demand so much from me, those times they leave pen lids / dirty socks / ride-on-bikes / books / food all over the floor, those (daily) times they refuse to help – I find myself increasingly irritable and wishing these times away and just needing some ADULT COMPANY!!!!
As my very dear friend put it yesterday – I need to be heard, and I need to be seen. It’s different from how I’ve felt for a long while, but that’s how I am right now, that’s what I need. And there are times when I take a pause in the midst of my half-term full-on children-time, and reflect on how my needs can connect in with being with the children – with their need to be seen, to be heard. And my aim is to see them, to hear them. But really, I know within myself in this moment, I have a need to be seen and heard, and actually sometimes just being with the children all the time doesn’t quite meet all I need.
So, I am sitting with that. I sit under my tree, when I can, not as much as I need or desire to, and take a moment to breathe deep and reconnect. I enjoy those moments shared with dear friends when I can speak my truth. And I wait for and watch the gradual unfolding of what’s coming towards me as I venture out of the labyrinth of early motherhood – which I have been in now for ten years – and look out at the world before me, with excitement in my heart; yet carrying this small sense of loss (and sometimes guilt?) that perhaps my focus is moving away from my ‘earth mama’ being into something new … I watch, I wait, I wonder.
The journey continues.